Great Expectations? I Think Not: Part 1

Quicker than the blink of an eye, expectations of ourselves and others are formed and destroyed. That’s how the mind operates. At least, that’s what I used to think…

As a child, exposed to the world, I learned to relativise my life with others’. When I understood what other people’s parents were like, I felt my dad was not the person he should be. My mother wasn’t either. “But life isn’t perfect” I would tell myself, holding onto an unascertainable amount of anger and resentment.

A few years ago, I visited a Guru. She was speaking in the conference room of a posh West London hotel that clearly juxtaposed the primordial white shawls that adorned her. It was bizarre, but I surmised as much patience as I could in anticipation of her first breath of wisdom…I felt it in the air.

And then it came:

“Expectations lead to irritation.”

The Guru announced with almost enough certainty in her voice to subdue all undertones of emotion; but not quite enough.

The room fell silent.

I thought I was prepared for anything she might say. As a well-balanced, well-travelled individual I believed I would at least be able to relate to whatever the Guru might say: But I was wrong.

My brain felt like it had been split in two. The cogs inside that normally processed information from the outside world had ground to a halt. For some reason, I didn’t get it.

Expectations are an inherent part of how I form an impression of myself and my position in the world around me. Whether it was about people, places or things: I formed expectations all the time.

After many years in self-training, my mind had come to understand expectations in its own way. It had decided there were two types of expectations: Good Expectations and Bad Expectations.

Good ones, I thought, were when my internal voice said “I believe that person will go the extra mile.” They might arrive early to our meeting, call me on the spur of the moment just to say hello or do something with their life that I admire but never foresaw. These were “Good Expectations”.

Bad expectations were when my internal voice said “I don’t believe in that person.” They might not follow through on their word, treat me well or fulfil the potential that I see in their eyes. These were “Bad Expectations”.

In essence, there was an internal optimism or pessimism that created value judgements of other people — not to mention myself — on a continuous basis. But that’s normal, right?

I thought that’s how we assess the likelihood of future outcomes. Using expectations, I believed, was how I could make decisions to protect myself from getting hurt. Without them, how will I know how much of myself to give?

And so, I asked what I thought was a simple question: “What about Good Expectations? Aren’t they…good?”

The room full of attendees quickly interpreted the logic of Good and Bad Expectations in their heads, like mental arithmetic for philosophy.

But soon enough I was knocked back down to Earth. The Guru did not falter, and her response hit me like a tidal wave of consciousness:

“George, there are no good or bad expectations: They are all equal. They are all expectations”

It took me a long time to understand this. Even longer still to implement this wisdom in my daily life. However, its core message can be summarised like so:

When we expect anything from anyone, we are entering a mental space in which we create a value judgement of that person’s ability to perform.

This does not just apply to other people, but also to yourself. The question, therefore, is do expectations always lead to irritation?

Expectations of Oneself

Let’s start with the one person with whom our relationship lasts a lifetime: Ourselves. When I set up my to-do list for the day, a staple part of the life of an entrepreneur, I am not inherently forming an expectation of myself. Or at least, I don’t have to…

However, the fact that I would often leave work feeling disgruntled about having not achieved all 15 tasks on my to-do list clearly demonstrates that I did form expectations around how many I would complete. If I had not, surely I would have returned home content with my efforts regardless?

This is a question that no longer lingers in my brain: Trial and error has revealed its truth. I feel lighter when I don’t expect to achieve all 15 tasks. This realisation was heightened by a greater understanding of the expectation I was creating. My lists were:

1. Made up of at least 15 tasks, each the size of St. Lucia (a small country, but a country nonetheless). In totality, they were simply impossible to complete in full, within less than 24 hours.
2. Not inclusive of tasks that arose during the day. New tasks were often created and completed without ever having made it to my to-do list. Surely I deserved some sort of gratification for achieving these too?
3. Made up of tasks that simply cannot be dealt with in one day. Despite this, whenever I saw a long-term task on my list, I would feel anxious that I hadn’t been able to rid my eyes of its presence.

There’s no easy way to say it, but the “Good Expectations” I had of myself achieving 100% of the tasks on my to-do list were harming me.

To control my mind in such a way that I assign myself tasks, and STOP before I create expectations of either my ability, or the time I have to perform them takes serious mental agility. This includes a dedication to the present moment, love and care for myself and a certain comfortability with the flow of the universe…

This does not mean I cannot hypothesise about how long a task might take, but the approach should be as such:

“I will try to get [specify individual tasks] done today but, if I don’t, then I will complete them soon enough; starting with tomorrow.” This way of thought often helps me to relax into the tasks on my plate and, in fact, achieve more than I otherwise might have done with a fixed mindset of 100% completion.

As mothers the world over tell their children:

“As long as you’ve tried your best.”

We often forget the advice we tell children as adults. We set the bar higher. But ultimately, are we not still children when we are 50? Still learning the ways of the world. I have no doubt the Guru would have agreed.

Expectations, even the “Good” ones, can compromise our emotional wellbeing and drag our self-worth through the dirt: But life doesn’t have to be that way.

Starting with ourselves, we must learn to appreciate the people we are. Stress will only breed more stress and I’m sure even Charles Dickens would agree: Expectations are not quite so Great after all…!

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Great Expectations? I Think Not: Part 2 explores the role of expectations in our relationships with others, and how to use them to our advantage. Like and Follow for more of my mental musings…or don’t: Your life, your decisions!

Big ❤

George