Embracing the Winds of Change
Today
The winds of change are all around me. The leaves of the trees outside my window twist and turn as if powering the words that flow through my mind. They twinkle in a sunlight that does not forget the days that came before, and does not resist the days that are still to come. The light dances through the pane of glass above my bed, awakening me from my slumber. It blinds me from above so that I never have to look up and wonder: “How is this happening?”
Because the answers are not above me, somewhere near the distant moon. They are inside me, somewhere I need not travel far to reach.
Why am I here? Living in Beirut. What am I doing? Working for myself. Where am I going? As far as I can go…
Where will I be in 10, 20, or even 50 years’ time?
Will I still be in Beirut? Will I still be visiting this quintessential part of my past and present? Or will I be far away, trekking through the vast rainforest of Peru as I yearn to?
…Will I even be alive?
As times change, my ability to follow its flow becomes better still. I’m driven — but I am less stressed. I’m nervous — but I am more confident. “I can see clearly now the rain is gone.” Johnny Nash once said.
Was he talking about my move from the limp London rain to the bright beaches of Beirut? I think not — But I feel it.
This fruit is ripe for the taking: The fruit of life. I gnaw at it with such vigour sometimes I eat the seeds by accident, but I won’t let one drop go to waste.
This is my chance.
Yesterday
But what has really changed?
As I lie in bed, yesterday is gone: An unproductive day by my standards, but one which has left a bittersweet symphony playing in my ears…
My brother came to visit Beirut. He didn’t come to visit me.
He stayed with me. He played with me. He laughed with me. He danced with me. But things have changed since we roamed this city as carefree children. Adults, we are. As “grown ups” there are things we must both do in order for our lives to progress, responsibilities we must bear and each of us must take our opportunities whenever and wherever they arise.
I don’t want to work whilst you’re here…But I have to.
And yet, despite all the to-do lists and the megabits that clammer for my attention, I must also take the opportunity to spend time with him. To just sit there in silence. To simply pass the time. To laugh at years gone by. The anger, the sadness, the happiness we shared. Times were harder…though everything came easier back then.
Life was full, and I was in search of nothing. My world found me. My brothers found me. My life found me. The fate of my siblings and I was intertwined without so much as a whisper of free will. And even now: I feel the same.
I cannot be upset that I did not work yesterday. I can only be upset that my brother is gone. I cannot pretend I felt good that day. I can only grieve and mourn.
To mourn for love that is inexpressible. To mourn for laughter that is uncontainable. To mourn for bonds that are unbreakable.
He’s 19 now. And I’m 24.
The emotions of adulthood take on a certain gradient. They are less clear than they once were, and the time we share is more defined.
I will never get back those moments of madness as we journeyed to the beach, (play/)fighting with one another the whole way. I will never get back the endless games of Mario Kart on the Wii. I will never get back the sound of my brother saying goodnight…
Our time was forever. Now, it’s hardly ever.
To say goodbye to my brother, and that I will miss him, is the most I can do. Now, fate is in our hands. If I want to go to the beach with him: I have to organise it with him. If I want us to play Mario Kart together: I have to go visit him. If I want to hear him say goodnight: I have to be with him.
The telephone will not suffice.
Business vs. Life
I am willing to sacrifice my business for the ones I love most. It seems I am learning the value of time. The world’s top entrepreneurs and athletes commonly hypothesise they would tell their younger selves to slow it down. And I would often retort: But what if you did, and you never became the person you are now?
Honestly, if working for myself means sacrificing everything I’ve got: I shall change paths. I’ve sacrificed my money, I’ve sacrificed my time, I’ve sacrificed my social life, I’ve sacrificed my rhymes…I will never sacrifice my family.
When the moment arrives and we are all in the same part of the planet: Do not expect me to keep working. My job is done. I have earned my time with them.
It would appear the winds of change are my priorities.
My sanity comes first. My family second. And my work is third. This order sets me free.
Now, I can appreciate what life has to offer. I can forget the feeling of unproductivity and live in the moment: I can bask in this breath-taking breeze.
One last thing…
I’ve decided to spill my insides across the internet. If you liked this article, click the💚 below so other people will see it here on Medium and follow me now for more!
